I had a dream last night that I worked at McDonalds and I was behind the counter when this guy dressed in a tuxedo (with white dickie and tie) was snapping his fingers for a server. I went I over and he asked to see our “darkest red” and I knew he was talking about wine so I said “sir, this is McDonalds. The darkest red we have here is ketchup” and he had me pour him a glass of ketchup and he drank it while looking me directly in the eye.
theres only 4 months left of this year and if that doesnt freak you out then youre lying
I was wearing my Gryffindor shirt while Christmas shopping and there was this cute guy in a Slytherin hat and we made eye contact and he looked me up and down and said “10 points to Gryffindor” and winked at me and normally I hate being hit on but damn boy that’s the way to do it
my biggest fear is I’m married & my husband says, “let’s cut sugar out of our diet” so I have to leave with the kids in the middle of the night
sometimes i think i’m sassy and then i realize i’m just too sarcastic and borderline mean
My parents are both pastors and once I was fucking this one dude who’s dad was the pastor of the rival church and he whispered ‘talk biblical to me’ so i started reciting Psalms 23 and we ended up getting into a competition of who could recite the most bible versus before they cummed
at 5am you either feel like you can rule the world or like you’ve just been run over by a truck there is no inbetween
wow my brother was telling me this joke and he said
"if you’re fighting with a woman and she pulls a knife on you, just pull out the bread and cheese and meat and her womanly instincts will kick in and she’ll just make you a sandwich"
then all of a sudden our mom emerges from the kitchen holding a huge ass knife and she approaches my brother asking “sorry what was that?” and he started screaming
100000000 points to mom.
I was so sleep deprived the other day that I tried to zoom in on a paper
wtf I just made that post
oh wait that is my post
I havent slept in 2 days